Supporting Emotional Regulation in Neurodivergent Children and Teens
Understanding Emotional Regulation in ADHD, Autism, and Other Expressions of Neurodiversity
Emotional regulation, our ability to manage and respond to emotions in healthy ways, is a skill that develops gradually over time. For many neurodivergent young people — including those with ADHD, autism, dyslexia, and other neurodivergent profiles — this skill can take longer to develop, making daily life feel more challenging.
At Acorn Neurodiversity, we believe that understanding how the brain processes emotions is key to supporting children and teens — both at home and in educational settings.
Why Emotional Regulation Can Be Hard for Neurodivergent Individuals
The Neurosequential Model of the Brain helps us understand what’s really happening when emotional dysregulation appears.
We can think of the brain in two parts:
The “Upstairs Brain”
— responsible for self-understanding, executive functioning, and emotional control.
The “Downstairs Brain”
— responsible for survival, basic bodily functions, and emotional reactivity.
When stress triggers a fight, flight, or freeze response, the downstairs brain takes charge. It’s like the staircase to the upstairs brain is locked — we can’t reach the thinking brain until we help the nervous system calm down.
For most people, this regulation happens naturally. But for many neurodivergent children, emotional regulation develops more slowly. This means they often need extra support to regain balance.
The Three-Step Process: Regulate, Relate, Reason
To help “unlock the staircase” back to the upstairs brain, we need to respond in the same order the brain uses:
Regulate – help the body feel safe and calm
Relate – connect emotionally with the child
Reason – once calm, engage logical thinking and problem-solving
This sequence shows why we can’t expect a child to “make a good choice” or “use their words” while dysregulated. They need regulation first, before reasoning can even begin.
Understanding the Window of Tolerance
Every child has a window of tolerance — a range where they can process and respond without becoming overwhelmed.
For neurodivergent young people, this window is often smaller than that of their neurotypical peers, which means they may spend more time in states of hyper-arousal or hypo-arousal:
Hyper-arousal (too high): racing heart, clenched fists, restlessness
Hypo-arousal (too low): fatigue, zoning out, low motivation
We can expand a child’s window of tolerance by providing:
Predictability and routine
Sensory-friendly environments
Clear expectations
Opportunities for movement throughout the day
The Role of Co-Regulation
Co-regulation is when adults model calm behaviour and help children regulate by being physically and emotionally present.
This can be as simple as:
Walking side-by-side instead of face-to-face
Lowering yourself to a child’s level physically
Using a calm tone and reducing eye contact during tense moments
When we invite children into our calm, they gradually learn how to self-regulate over time.
Teaching a Feelings Vocabulary
Helping children name their emotions builds self-awareness and gives them tools for communication. Start with simple emotions like happy, sad, angry, scared — then add more complex feelings as they grow.
Ways to build emotional vocabulary:
Visual aids (emotion charts, flashcards)
Reading books about feelings
Daily modelling (“I see you’re smiling, you look happy!”)
Validating emotions (“It’s okay to feel sad sometimes — I’m here if you want to talk.”)
Modelling coping strategies (“When I feel frustrated, I like to take a walk to cool off.”)
Practical Tools for Regulation
When we approach regulation with a bottom-up strategy, tools like the Zones of Regulation can help children recognise their emotional state and decide what they need.
Rev up: movement breaks, energising activities, social interaction
Rev down: quiet spaces, deep breathing, sensory breaks
Remember: It’s Not About Fixing
Supporting emotional regulation is not about “fixing” a child. It’s about understanding their brain, meeting them where they are, and creating safe, connected environments where they can thrive.
📩 If you’d like to learn more about Acorn Neurodiversity’s support services for children, teens, and families, contact us today or visit acornneurodiversity.co.nz.